What Does a Recovering Lawyer Do After Quitting Her Own Job and Spinning Out Online?

An Explanation of GENRE: Art as Recovery. Art as Antidote. Art as Play. Art as Connection.

If you read my inaugural post on this Substack (“Once upon a time, I was a very successful attorney and a very successful addict.”) you know why I am here. But you don’t yet know what “here” actually is. I’ll explain that now—the origin story of GENRE: Art Projects with Beth Stanfield and what’s happening here.

To state the obvious, the “GENRE: News” is a totally fake publication with made up headlines and quotes that are mostly false, part true, and all funny (to me at least). I’ve always loved a touch of satire. It somehow orients me to the topic in a way my longer form narrative does not. It’s like tilting your head and looking at something from a sideways angle. And it makes me smile. (Also, FTR: My mom’s unending love and pride has never been in doubt.)

---

“RECOVERING LAWYER QUITS EVERYTHING AND GOES BACK TO ART PROJECTS SHE ABANDONED AT AGE OF FIVE”

This fake headline was fun to write. I like the idea of spending a weekend at my mom’s house in Hickory, North Carolina (not where we grew up but where she is now) and diving into dusty trunks to retrieve unfinished art projects only a mom would save. Projects like—

—The minutely detailed pencil drawing of a rhinoceros.

—The watercolor elven worlds.

—The Madonna-Wham!-Lauper collage.

I like thinking about how fun it would be to cart these forgotten relics back to my office-turned-art-space in our cozy front room, pinning them up on an easel, shuffling my newest playlist, and going to work.

I like thinking about how meaningless and unproductive such a project would be compared to what I do for five hundred dollars an hour (after three years of law school, a clerkship, two bar exams, a bazillion depositions, and nineteen years of active practice).

I like thinking about how I would use the professionally sacred hourly-rate time of Lawyer Beth attempting to finish a creative project abandoned by a child over forty years ago.

I like thinking about how that sweet child with the massive imagination could never have imagined she would turn into me.

I like thinking about how interesting and satisfying such a project would be after getting high on the idea of becoming a big entrepreneurial success and spinning out on the internet.

I like thinking about how a person’s world can shrink and her interests wane too slowly too be noticed, but her imagination can be revived in a moment. Like a kiss from a prince after a long sleep.

I like thinking about how creativity is saving me. Or maybe not saving, maybe it’s returning —or remembering —or reconstituting —or reimagining. . .

I like thinking it’s all those things because that’s what I want for this Substack space. A return and a remembering. A life reconstituted and a life reimagined. A place dedicated to creativity as both recovery and antidote to the success mania I’ve been working myself away from since I got sober in 2019. Because a part of me knows that:

—success mania is an addiction;

—success addiction and substance addiction are interrelated;

—both go all the way back to when I began abandoning my creative center; and

—because of all that, recovery goes all the way back to the point of creative self-abandonment.

Though I do not have it all sorted, I do understand it all started with self-abandonment. To state it as succinctly as possible: abandonment of creativity is self-abandonment. I know this now as fact.

As an adult, I have spent enough time in the seat of The Creator versus the seat of the One Created to know in which I will be lost or I will be found. If I am “creating” for outside forces, I am performing, proving, producing, and always chasing—never arriving. If I am creating for me, I am home. Being home doesn’t feel nearly as exciting or productive or important, but it doesn’t feel like self-abandonment. And over time, I am hopeful this will lead beyond a feeling, but to a deeper, truer freedom.

---

---

I doubt my mom actually has any old art projects in her attic. If there were any, she transferred custodianship many years ago. And I’m fairly certain Lawyer Beth would have tossed them long ago as uninteresting and irrelevant to the big, successful life she thought she was building. But that is okay. The point isn’t the thing—it’s the remembering.

• It’s remembering what it felt like to be a creative being—back before I was a law student, a wife, a mom, a partner in a law firm, a business owner, an author, and then a 40-something woman on the internet who thought she could find herself by selling herself.

• It’s remembering that before I was all those things, I wrote, and sang, and painted, and danced, and created from morning to night. And I did it because I liked it. And there is literally nothing in the universe preventing me from doing the same thing now.

• It’s remembering that on the very best days, I was not alone. I created with my sisters, my brother, and my friends. We did not take ourselves or our projects too seriously. If it wasn’t fun, we weren’t doing it. And there is literally nothing in the universe preventing us from doing the same thing now.

I especially like thinking about that simple truth—that we can make art together and there is nothing—nothing—preventing us from creating right now. I like thinking about how fun and nourishing it is to write with people and see where the creative spirit leads. Doesn’t that sound fun? It certainly does to me.

---

---

---

This next part might be obvious, but it might not, so I want to be clear. The longer term plan is to build something here that can provide financial support. And that scares me for a few reasons. As established, I worry about building anything that puts my sobriety from validation/success addiction at risk. I am also fearful because our household of 1 husband, 2 teenage boys, and 2 cavaliers, is a solid two-income situation. Simply put, I need to make money and have no idea if this Substack experiment will “work.”

However, I think that is the point of recovery—especially approval-addiction recovery. I don’t get to know if it will work. I don’t get to know if people will come along to read or listen or create for themselves. I don’t get to know if my voice will be heard within a sea of other beautiful voices. I don’t get to know if people will like what I put into the world on this platform.

The bottom line is I don’t get to create for an intended audience or successful outcome because if I do, I won’t like what I create. In fact, that’s what got me in the end after eighteen months as an entrepreneur on Instagram. That’s why I spun out online so quickly. I didn’t like what I was creating and despised who I was becoming as a direct result of that. It broke me. But for that, I’m thankful because it was a necessary breaking.

I know I have so much in me left to give, but I will get totally tripped up if I try to make it be something. And even more so if I create in order to sell something. I can feel the mania climb into my throat when my thoughts go there (be something! sell something! make it successful!). And the only way I know how to stay out of that danger zone is to simply create things I like and share them.

I know—easier said than done. But I have no choice. I can’t move forward without doing the work my soul longs to do (write & create & connect) but I can’t go back to chasing an outcome (make it successful). It’s not a catch-22; it’s a singular road to a deeper freedom.

So, for now, I just know I want to play and dream again. And I want to hang out with people who make me feel alive and real and brave. And these days, nothing makes me feel more alive and real and brave than creating beautiful, meaningful things with people I love and who inspire me.

So, I do hope you choose to come along for the full ride, but you are always welcome to subscribe to the free plan and follow along for the writing, the art, and the connection. Either way, I’m thrilled to be here and create with you.

---

In the meantime, I would love to hear from you! What are you craving right now creatively? What makes you feel alive and real and brave? Leave a comment or join the chat!